Find yourself saying ‘sorry’ more often than you can count? Here’s how to stop over-apologising, and three ways to do it

Something that we are taught from a young age is the importance of being able to admit when we are at fault and say that simple five-letter word: sorry. But this term isn’t just used as a way to patch things up when you have committed (or uttered) an offence, at least not anymore, because this term has become a lot more loaded than it was when it was first lodged in the dictionary, especially when used by women. 

A sorry state
According to studies, women say ‘sorry’ a lot more than their male counterparts, but for completely different reasons, all of which stem from the long-standing stronghold that the patriarchy has over society. Women have a much lower threshold for what they consider to be offensive and, as such, feel that they are doing more wrong and apologising accordingly. But why do we feel such a strong need to say sorry for everything? Maja Jovanovic, PhD, sociology professor at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, claims that it all comes down to the female role in society. ‘Women are socialised into a passive mindset and people-pleasing behaviour from an early age,’ she explains.

‘Apologies have become our de facto way of communicating, a way of filling the silence and keeping the peace when interacting with others.’ The fear of not being liked and accepted by our peers also plays a role. ‘We pre-empt what we think people are thinking about us with an apology as if to say, “I already know what you’re thinking … and I’m sorry,”’ she says. Tara Swart, neuroscientist, medical doctor, leadership coach and author, has also weighed in on serial apologists, claiming that ‘it may be that the normal human need to belong has been compromised, creating a shame response that’s meant to induce forgiveness and reacceptance,’ she says. ‘Apologising when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologising presents itself as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.’ You heard it from the pros. 

Love language
It should come as no surprise that in romantic relationships, women also take top spot when it comes to saying sorry. This often stems from an underlying anxiety or a low self-worth, thinking that any minor issue is somehow their fault. This type of behaviour is not considered normal in a healthy, functioning relationship. Making the decision to edit before you speak so that you can evaluate if you really are, or even should be, sorry for something is a step in the right direction, and can benefit you in all aspects of your life, from personal to professional.

And if your partner doesn’t like this change for the better, then they are probably for the worst. So if the habitual need to add the word ‘sorry’ to every sentence is a predominantly female trait and side effect of living in a male-dominated world, then what’s a girl to do to change this ingrained behaviour? It’s all about language, and using your words to claim and own the space that you rightly deserve, both literally and figuratively. Here are three techniques to try instead next time you feel the ‘s-word’ wanting to slip out. Because even small changes can be life-altering.

Thank you
Another phrase we were taught early on, a simple ‘thank you’ is always a good idea. Another multipurpose term, it can take the place of where an errant ‘sorry’ may have appeared and even improve on it. Next time you want to apologise for talking a friend’s ear off, instead of saying ‘sorry for venting’ why not try ‘thank you for listening.’ Not only is it more appropriate (because you probably aren’t that sorry) but it also has the ability to make your friend feel appreciated. It’s a win-win. 

‘Excuse me’
‘Sorry’ has become a way of saying everything from ‘can I have your attention’ to ‘can I please get past you’ to ‘can you please repeat that’. But while saying ‘excuse me’ is a more assertive way to get your current needs met, women tend to use apologetic language instead. By saying sorry, you are sending the message that you have done something wrong. Instead of apologising for your existence, try saying ‘excuse me’ in these situations instead. It shows respect without implying blame. 

Say nothing
Sometimes the best type of response is no response. A way to try and prevent excessive ‘sorries’ from slipping out is to try and stop yourself before you speak and to think whether you really are sorry. Assessing your role in a situation and trying to gauge whether an apology is necessary is the key. If you are not sorry in the traditional sense, try using alternative, more positive language when communicating. This will make you appear more confident and assertive, and eventually you might even start to feel that way too. 

Words by Ruby Meyers
Photography: Gallo/GettyImages