Some of us feel like saying “no” is rude. The truth is we can, and there are polite ways to do it. 

Let’s admit it – some of us are big people pleasers. We don’t want to let anyone down, and we feel like saying ‘no’ to a favour, an invite, a request or a suggestion is rude. The truth is, we can say no, and there are polite ways to do it. 

Attitude adjustment  

Leave behind the belief that saying no is ‘selfish’. Most of us feel this way because as children we had to do anything and everything our parents told us to. But that’s all in the past now. According to executive coach Peter Bregman, writing in Harvard Business Review, it’s important to ‘know your no’ – that is, identifying what’s important to you and what’s not. “Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no.” Remember, too, that “you are saying no to the request, not the person”, which helps to avoid feeling guilt-tripped. And if someone is being particularly pushy, mirror their behaviour and push right back (in a light-hearted way). 

Communicate clearly  

Responses like ‘Maybe’ and ‘I’ll try’ don’t serve either party. It can lead to false expectations. Agreeing to a favour at work, for example, might cause you to under-deliver and create the impression that you didn’t put in your best effort (or, worse, that you’re incompetent). In the case of friends and family, saying no can actually save you from hurting their feelings and putting a strain on your relationship. If you half-heartedly agree to do something with them, they’ll notice you’re not on the same ‘vibe’ and feel o ended, which is what you didn’t want! Bregman states that giving a reason for saying no is important, too – it doesn’t matter what the reason is; it matters that there is a reason.  

Appreciation always  

We’re taught from a young age to say ‘No, thank you’ because it’s more polite, conveys gratitude and is less abrupt. There are other ways to politely reject a request, like letting them know you’re flattered they thought to ask you, or that it sounds lovely even though you’re giving it a pass. (See right for more ideas.) 

Serve up suggestions  

Making a suggestion can both help the person who asked and make you feel better about declining. You could advise them on how to do something they’re struggling with, for example, or suggest someone else they could ask. 

Practise makes perfect  

Start small. Say no to low-risk requests until you feel comfortable saying no to bigger ones. If a shop assistant is trying to sell you something, say no – say it out loud; don’t think it or be vague. If your aunt is dishing up yet another bowl of her mystery soup for you, say no (nicely). 

Reign in the fomo  

Sometimes we can battle to say no because we fear missing out (whether it’s a fun experience or an opportunity at work that could impress your boss). According to Bregman, it’s not actually a missed opportunity, it’s a trade-off: “When you’re saying no to something, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more”. 

Text: Sahrah Enous  
Photography: Gallo/ Getty Images  

Also read: 4 obstacles preventing your self-growth