Learn to tell the difference and avoid another heartbreak
Have you ever locked eyes with someone and felt an instant spark, leaving you thinking it’s love at first sight? That fluttery feeling might seem romantic, but it’s essential to recognise whether you’re experiencing love or lust. Confusing the two can lead to heartache and misunderstandings with your partner. Here’s how to spot the difference and know if you’re headed for lasting love or a short-lived romance.
So, what’s the difference?
Lust is primarily based on physical attraction and the desire for physical connection.
It’s intense, consuming and mostly short-term. Lust often centres around fantasy and the idea of a perfect partner, making it more about the physical than the emotional connection.
Love is deeper and more enduring.
It’s about genuinely caring for someone’s well-being, flaws and all. Love grows over time and involves mutual respect, trust and a willingness to support each other through life’s ups and downs.
According to a study by researchers at Concordia University in Canada, lust is driven by the body’s need for gratification, while love stimulates areas in the brain related to attachment and long-term bonding.
Understanding this distinction can prevent heartache and foster more meaningful connections.
Signs you’re in lust
1. Physical Obsession: If your thoughts revolve around physical appearance and the thrill of being together, it’s likely lust. Lust centres on attraction, making you feel more excited about the physical than the emotional aspects of the relationship.
2. Fast-Paced Romance: Lust tends to move at warp speed. If you’re rushing into intense emotions without really knowing the person, it’s likely a sign you’re driven by infatuation.
3. Idealisation: Lust makes it easy to overlook your partner’s flaws. This intense attraction might cloud your judgement, creating a ‘perfect’ (usually unrealistic image of your partner.
4. Focus on Self-Gratification: Lust is often self-centred. If the relationship is focused more on one person’s needs and desires than mutual understanding and connection, that’s another sign.
5. Short-Term Vision: If either partner is more focused on the present excitement than on future plans together, it’s likely a lust-driven connection.
Signs you’re in love
1. Emotional Connection: Love goes beyond physical attraction. If you find yourself connecting on a deeper level, sharing personal goals, fears and life stories, then it’s likely love.
2. Patience and Understanding: Love takes time. If you’re willing to wait, listen and understand each other, even through conflicts, that patience reflects a more genuine connection.
3. Support and Growth: Love encourages both partners to grow individually and together. If you feel a sense of security and support, where you both want the best for each other, it’s love.
4. Sacrifice and Selflessness: Love often involves putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own. This selflessness shows you care beyond immediate desires.
5. Future Plans: Unlike lust, love looks to the future. If you’re making plans together and envisioning a shared future, it’s a good sign you’re in love.
How love evolves
Research shows that attraction fades after six to 18 months in most relationships, which is when lust can transform into love.
Studies have shown that couples who last often develop what researchers call ‘companionate love, where deep respect and emotional connection take centre stage.
A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy noted that 61% of people initially attracted by physical appearance reported experiencing disappointment when this aspect faded, highlighting the importance of building a more profound bond.
Remember, relationships need time to develop into true, lasting love. Recognising the signs can help you avoid miscommunication, cultivate genuine connection and understand your feelings before taking the next step.
The science of love and lust
1. Dopamine: Often called the feel good hormone; dopamine surges during the early stages of attraction and lust, creating feelings of excitement and pleasure.
2. Oxytocin: Known as the ‘love hormone’, oxytocin is released through physical touch and bonding activities, helping to form emotional connections and long-term attachment.
3. Testosterone & Oestrogen: These hormones drive physical desire and attraction, sparking initial interest, but don’t necessarily lead to emotional closeness.
4. Vasopressin: This hormone plays a key role in forming long-term bonds, especially in committed relationships, contributing to loyalty and partnership.
5. Serotonin: The happy hormone’ is ironically often lower in the early stages of love, which can cause obsessive thoughts about a partner. But levels of serotonin tend to normalise as relationships mature.
Words by Insaaf Abrahams
Photos: Gallo/Getty Images
