Here’s how to establish your needs and communicate them to your person.
Yes, it’s nice when our partners go above and beyond to make sure we’re happy and cater to our every whim. But life is busy, and sometimes we find ourselves settling for the bare minimum. This, however, looks different for everyone, and it’s up to you to establish what you need for your relationship to be long-lasting and for you to feel loved.
To feel respected, secure and emotionally supported, it’s important to figure out what you need and express this to your partner. Here’s how to find out and communicate your bare minimum so that your bond can stay strong – no matter what life throws at you.
Identity your non-negotiable emotional needs
In order to learn what your emotional needs are, you’ll need to do a bit of honest introspection. Ask yourself what makes you feel safe, validated and emotionally fulfilled. This could include elements such as open communication, trust, shared values or plenty of affection.
The times in your past relationships when you felt resentful or misunderstood often signal that your needs were being unmet. Once you know what yours are, communicate them calmly and confidently to your partner, with the understanding that their needs might be different from yours and they need theirs met, too.
@lifeinfocuswithsuttida Emotional safety should be a none negotiable. #relationships #relationshipgoals #selfrespect #innerchild #friends ♬ original sound – lifeinfocuswithsuttida
Define behaviours that make you feel secure
Behaviours are not only about words and promises (although these are important), but they’re also about actions. And these actions need to be consistent. To feel secure, you need your partner to be reliable, honest and emotionally available by keeping their promises, listening without being dismissive and making time for you unprompted.
Your other half should also show you respect by not pushing your boundaries, valuing your opinions even if they differ from theirs, and handling disagreements calmly. Identifying actions that make you feel calm, heard and valued will help you set a personal standard.
Reflect on patterns you won’t tolerate
Think back on your old relationships (or even your current one) and identify recurring behaviour that caused you pain. These are usually emotional unavailability, disrespect, control, infidelity or a lack of accountability. No one should have to tolerate them, and neither should you!
Going through this teaches you about what drains your energy, undermines your confidence or compromises your mental well-being. By naming what you will no longer accept from a partner, you are showing signs of growth and are permitting yourself to choose healthier relationships that align with your values, dignity and sense of self-worth.
Clarify the standards that align with your values
What truly matters to you beyond attraction and chemistry? This is what you need to ask yourself when identifying what values you need in a partner. It could be their traits such as honesty, mutual respect and independence, or aspects such as their faith, family values or having shared interests and world views.
Having standards isn’t about being rigid or having unrealistic expectations. Because when your standards are rooted in your core values, you will experience less conflict in your relationship, feel more supported and have a better shot at making it in the long term.
@therapyjeff It’s so important to have aligned values in relationship but first you need to identify what yours are. #mentalhealth #therapy #therapytok #mentalhealthmatters #relationshiptips #dating #datingadvice #values ♬ original sound – TherapyJeff
Talking the talk
Once you have established what your needs are, you need to communicate them effectively to your partner so that they understand your bare minimum.
Here’s how to approach it:
Choose calm, intentional communication
Don’t start the conversation in a heated moment – choose a calm and convenient time. Use ‘I’ statements to express your needs, rather than ones starting with ‘you’, which can feel accusatory and can make your partner feel defensive. Speak in a respectful tone with clarity and compassion. You should also ask them what their bare minimums are so you can make them feel seen, heard and respected, too.
Be specific about behaviours, not character
The last thing you want to do is make any personal judgments about your partner. Instead, focus on behaviours. Don’t say: ‘You don’t respect me.’ Rather, explain what respect looks like to you so that you can both get on the same page. By being specific, you can help your partner understand the things you will and won’t accept – creating a shared language for accountability so it’s easier to express when standards are being met or not.
Stand firm, but be open to dialogue
For both of you to communicate your individual needs, there has to be an openness to be honest with your partner but also to hear any feedback they might have. They might have questions or want to respond, and you need to be receptive to that. Also, listening to them doesn’t mean you have to compromise your values. It should be a healthy two-way exchange and not an ultimatum.
@jimmyonrelationships Default to Listening #datingtips #relationshipadvice #marriagegoals #communication ♬ original sound – Jimmy Knowles
The new non-negotiables
Everybody has things that they won’t tolerate in their relationships. What are yours?
- Disrespect
- Humiliation
- Control
- Dishonesty
- Infidelity
- Unaccountability
- Unhelpfulness
- Inequality
Words: Helen Wallace
Photography: Pexels
