Modeling a strong, loving and caring marriage influences your child’s choice of a future partner. Can there be any greater gift?
The moment you said ‘I do’ was just the beginning. When you get married, you’re not just committing to each other but also committing to being role models for your children. How you love, communicate and manage conflict as a couple will not only impact your relationship, but influence their expectations, their self-worth and the partners they choose later in life. It’s a significant responsibility, and an opportunity to equip them with a healthy understanding of love, respect and relationships.
Rethink your behaviour
They say being a role model is the most powerful form of educating. A research article about preparing children for a future healthy marriage, published by Utah State University, stated that people “tend to model the behaviours they learned in their formative relationships in the future”.
As parents, we need to consider our children in all that we do, because they learn their core values and principles from us, absorbing lessons from how we behave, how we communicate and how we treat the people closest to us. How do you treat your partner in front of your kids? Are you affectionate in front them? Or do you think they don’t need to see all of that?
Those little eyes and ears are always watching, listening and internalising the dynamics of your marriage. They are soaking up every compliment, every loving glance and every compromise that you make. That’s why it’s so important to set a good example, and to pause, reflect and rethink the actions we demonstrate daily.
Beware: Fight fair
Arguments are inevitable, and you’re bound to disagree with your spouse once or even thrice a day. But are you fighting in a healthy way? Good conflict management means not raising your voice, adjusting your tone and not uttering any curse words or insults.
Consider how you argue, because you are modelling how conflict plays out. It will affect your kids in the long run and they will grow up thinking that’s the way it should be done.
Conflicts should be addressed in a constructive and respectful manner so that children learn that disagreements can be resolved without resorting to aggression, manipulation or violence.
Healthy conflict resolution teaches them that a disagreement can be an opportunity for growth and understanding, rather than a threat to the relationship. As your children navigate their own relationships, they’ll be better equipped to handle disagreements and conflict, and work towards finding solutions that strengthen bonds rather than breaking them.
Time for teamwork
From washing dishes and making the bed to doing laundry together, teamwork in a marriage turns even the most mundane tasks into something more meaningful.
By working together, you are also showing your kids that marriage is a partnership built on collaboration, cooperation, mutual support and trust — and they learn the importance of working together towards a common goal.
This teamwork approach teaches kids that a relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. They see that relationships require effort and compromise.
As they grow, they’ll be more likely to seek out partners who share similar values and are willing to work together with them to build a strong, healthy relationship.
Healthy communication
Communication is the key — as cliched as that sounds, it’s true. When Mom and Dad communicate openly and honestly, they can navigate life’s challenges together, strengthen their bond and create a deeper connection that lasts for a lifetime.
This is also a bonus for the kids because it teaches them the importance of expressing feelings, needs and thoughts in a healthy way.
It also teaches them about active listening, which fosters empathy and compassion. They begin to understand that communication is a two-way street, requiring both parties to be heard and understood.
This skillset will serve them well in their future relationships, enabling them to navigate complex conversations and build deeper connections with their partners.
Staying together for the kids?
You shouldn’t. We’ve heard this one too many times, where parents think that no matter how terrible their marriage or spouse is, it’s better to just stay in the partnership for the sake of raising their kids together.
The sad reality is that they are doing more harm than good. Studies show that children who grow up within an unhealthy marriage are more likely to attract and select toxic partners for themselves in the future.
Breaking the cycle
If you’re in an unhealthy marriage, it’s not too late to break the cycle. Seeking help, such as couples therapy, can be a step towards creating a more positive environment for your kids. And even if you can’t save your marriage, you can save your children so that they don’t have to heal from having you as their parent later on.
This might involve co-parenting in a way that prioritises your kids’ needs. By doing so, you can help your kids develop healthier relationship patterns and avoid the toxic behaviours they may have witnessed.
Raise the bar
Mom and Dad, you have the power to raise the relationship standards of your kids. By modelling positive behaviour, teaching effective communication and promoting mutual respect, you can give them a strong foundation for life with their future partner.
Encourage your child to prioritise their own needs, set healthy boundaries and seek out people — and partners — who respect and value them. By doing so, you’ll give them the tools they need to build strong and happy relationships that will serve them well throughout their life. Remember, it all starts with you, so make sure you do your best. Bonus tip: learn your partner’s love language — it makes marriage a little easier.
5 unhealthy love styles
Here’s how to spot them in your spouse:
1. The avoider – dodges conflict or difficult conversations, which often leads to unresolved issues and a strained relationship.
2. The pleaser – prioritises the needs of others over their own, often sacrificing their own well-being and happiness to avoid rejection or conflict.
3. The vacillator – constantly swings between different positions or opinions, often due to indecisiveness or a fear of commitment.
4. The controller – tries to dominate, manipulate or micromanage others, often through guilt, anger or insecurity, to fulfil their own needs.
5. The victim – perceives themself as powerless or helpless, often blaming others or circumstances for their problems, and seeking sympathy or attention.
Words: Emma Mbuthuma
Photography: Gallo/Getty images
Also read: How to argue well in relationships
