Fed up with always putting your own needs last? It’s time to be a little more assertive, and own your power!
Ever said yes to an invite when you really wanted to say no? Or stayed quiet when someone pushed in front of you in a queue? If you have, assertiveness may not be your strong point. ‘So many people, especially women, have a collective phobia of being perceived as rude,’ says Rebecca Reid, author of The Power Of Rude: A Woman’s Guide To Asserting Herself. ‘They find it hard to be assertive, and put their own needs last. I used to be like that until I realised that I was spending a lot of time not doing the things I wanted to. I didn’t want to upset people. But that’s no way to live and it doesn’t benefit anyone. All you’re doing is holding yourself back. The reality is that nobody thinks about you even 10% as much as you think about yourself. They’re too busy worrying about themselves.’
ASK YOURSELF…
What do you want? ‘Many of us are so busy running around, putting the needs of others before their own, at home, at work, in friendships, that they totally lose track with what it is they want from life,’ says Rebecca. ‘But, if you’re not clear about what you want, how can you expect to get it?’ It’s important to regularly make time, even if it’s just a few minutes, to sit down and really think about your dreams and desires. What changes do you want to make in 2022? Rebecca recommends making a list as this can help you to clarify your goals. ‘Spend some time thinking what you can do to achieve them.’
STOP APOLOGISING
‘Saying sorry when you’ve actually done something wrong is a sign of strength to be able to acknowledge your own failings,’ says Rebecca. ‘But, there’s a tendency for us to say “sorry” too much. Using apologetic language when there is no need simply weakens your stance. If you can cut out all those apologies, you’ll come across as a more assertive person. Sometimes we say sorry when we really mean “thank you”. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting”, say, “Thank you for your patience”. The person you thank feels appreciated but you haven’t admitted to any unnecessary fault.’
THINK BEFORE YOU SAY YES
‘Every time someone asks you to do something, take some time to consider if you actually want to do it,’ says Rebecca. It’s very easy to say yes to things without thinking, and then end up feeling resentful, tired and grumpy about it. Rebecca explains that being assertive is about making a conscious assessment in every situation and actively deciding to do or not do something. ‘If you’re not sure, have some stock answers ready. For example say, “Let me get back to you on this”. This will give you the space to think about whether you really do want to go to a social event, look after your neighbour’s cat, or take on extra work, without forcing you to answer then and there.’
BE HONEST AND CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU MEAN
‘Being helpful, sociable or kind should be an active choice that you make, not something that happens by accident, because you haven’t got the guts to say no,’ says Rebecca. ‘When you communicate honestly and clearly to other people, this makes all your relationships more genuine. It’s never going to be okay to be totally selfish and only ever spend time on what you feel like doing. However, if you know you’re not willing or can’t attend a social event, you should feel that you are able to say you can’t make it, rather than lying and making up some lame excuse at the last minute to avoid going.’
Words by Media Future Publishing
Photography: FreePik
