Arguing is a normal, healthy part of any relationship. Here, we unpack some mindful approaches to getting your message across without losing your cool in the heat of the moment

If anyone has ever told you they don’t argue with their partner, either they have reached an enlightened state the rest of us could only wish to achieve, or they’re not being completely honest with themselves. Arguing is completely normal. In fact, it serves as an opportunity to learn more about your partner and how you can work together as a team. But, in truth, it is very difficult to see it that way when you’re in the throes of a heated discussion and you want your partner to know how frustrated, angry or hurt you feel. Sometimes all it takes is a more compassionate approach, and mindful communication can be an incredible tool to diffuse tension. 

Approach the conversation delicately

Steven Dziedzic, a New York-based entrepreneur and founder of the marriage counselling app Lasting, says the way conversations start have a huge impact on how they’ll unfold. ‘Before you speak, ask yourself: Do I empower my partner or do I put them into an attack stance when I bring up issues?’ Remember to monitor your tone, the actual words you use and the volume at which you speak, as all of these things play a big part in how your message comes across.

Restructure statements 

When we’re angry with our partner, it’s easy to use language that placesthe blame on them. ‘You never pick up your clothes’ or ‘You always leave your mugs in the sink without washing them’. A common piece of advice is to use more ‘I’ statements to frame the conversation.‘I feel upset because I don’t feel heard right now’ sounds less like an attack compared to ‘You make me angry because you don’t listen.’ However, these can sometimes be ‘You’ statements in disguise. In her 2019 TedX talk ‘Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails’, psychologist and conflict consultant Dr Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler emphasises the importance of breaking the pattern of how you’d usually respond during conflict. She advises following the words ‘I feel’ with an actual emotion that you’re experiencing, whether that’s frustration, anger, disappointment, or something else.

Limit distractions

Active listening is not something that comes easily to everyone, and it’s even harder to stay fully engaged when you’re having a heated discussion. A lot of why we struggle to be fully present is down to our own intrusive thoughts, and our environment. You may feel as if folding the laundry is high up on your list of priorities, but household chores can wait until after you’ve both had your say. Find a quiet place where you can sit down together and talk freely. Turning your body to face your partner, maintaining eye contact and leaving your arms uncrossed while they speak will go a long way in helping them feel respected.

Take turns to talk

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to skim over what your partner is saying while you try to get your next point out. Everyone wants to feel heard, and constantly cutting the other person off will do nothing to help your cause. If there are constant interruptions coming from either side, consider agreeing on a time limit for each of you to share their thoughts and feelings. Setting these time boundaries is beneficial because if you know your turn to speak is coming up, you won’t have to interrupt your partner to make your point. 

Listen with compassion

Trying to see things from your partner’s perspective can be tough, but it’s important that you attempt to understand how they’re seeing the issue. If you don’t, ask them questions until you get there. Even if you don’t entirely agree with them, consider saying something like, ‘I think I understand what you’re saying, what you’re feeling, and it makes a lot of sense’, which will help them to feel acknowledged. Don’t be surprised if it takes a while for the weight of that sentence to sink in – it may be the first time that they truly feel seen and heard by you.

Make your criticism constructive

Too often we make the mistake of criticising a person’s character instead of their actions. In a technique referred to as ‘the confrontation sandwich’, you surround the confrontation with words of praise or affirmation: starting out by saying ‘I love you’ or ‘I care about you’ will help to dull the full impact of what you’re going to say next. And, instead of putting the onus on them to figure out a solution to the problem, show them your support by concluding with something like, ‘I want to figure this out together, how can we do that?’

Avoid using absolutes

We tend to think that using hyperbolic statements will help bring our message across in a more impactful way, but in reality, over-generalising has the opposite effect. Phrases such as ‘You never pull your weight around here’ or ‘You always prioritise so-and-so over me’ are just going to incite a defensive response from your partner. Instead, isolate a specific issue and reframe it by saying something like, ‘When you do X, it makes me feel Y.’

Use door openers

Door openers are phrases that show you’re interested in what the other person is saying and are attempting to understand them. If you’re struggling to see things from their point of view, don’t be afraid to say you don’t quite understand, or ask for clarification with statements or questions like, ‘Tell me more’, ‘Can you unpack that?’ or ‘I don’t get it yet, but please keep going.’ This shows that while you’re not yet on the same page, you are open to getting there. 

Get to the root cause

‘Behind every single conflict, there’s an unmet emotional need,’ says Dziedzic. Take this scenario: Your spouse hasn’t taken the rubbish out, even though you’ve asked them on more than one occasion, and this has triggered an argument. On the surface, this seems pretty straightforward, but what you could really be trying to tell them is ‘I don’t feel valued’ or ‘I don’t feel like I’m your priority right now’. When you take the time to dig deeper into why an action, or lack thereof, has triggered you, the core emotional need can be addressed, and greater understanding achieved. Also, don’t give your partner the silent treatment and assume they can read your mind – tell them how you feel.

Seek external help

If you and your partner are dealing with more severe issues such as infidelity, or are name-calling each other, making threats, starting fights that involve your children or are constantly bringing up other people’s opinions of your relationship, it might be time to see a professional. And it goes without saying that if it escalates beyond this, seek help immediately. 

Words by Emma Follet-Botha 
Photography: Pexels