Love can be such a gamble, especially while completing your studies or simply trying to get your life together. Love doesn’t have to always feel like a ‘game’. We chat about playing fair and how to avoid getting benched.
Benching (a sports-related term) – where a player’s still part of the team but is kept on the bench until they’re needed, is now used in relationships, too. It refers to when one person expresses just enough interest (such as texts and some social media likes) to keep the other party hopeful. They gradually disappear from the scene, though, never fully committing to a relationship, yet make subtle appearances now and then to keep their options open.
Similar to ‘breadcrumbing’ (when you’re given just enough attention from your significant other to keep you around, when they’re not that interested in you) and worse than ghosting (when someone you have been dating cuts off all communication without an explanation), benching is a dating tactic used by those who want to keep all their options open while still dating around.
Benchers will call you when it’s convenient for them. They’re simply playing the game and benefitting from dating multiple people at once. Ultimately, it’s a form of manipulation, if you ask us. Benchers will lead you on until someone better comes along.
Learn The Rules Of The Game
How do you know if you’re being benched? Remember, it’s all about giving you hope. They can go from being super engaging and regularly sending you detailed accounts of their life, to suddenly blue-ticking you. And when they eventually reply, their excuses and reasons for not getting back to you sooner are often apologetic and will range from: “So sorry, been busy” to “Aww, sorry, there’s something wrong with my phone. Would love to hang out though!” Maybe that’ll be followed by some sweet emojis. Other times, communication can seem stilted, and instead of getting flirty texts, you’ll get one-word replies and a sense that they’re just not interested in what you have to say. Always notice the frequency and quality of the conversation.
Level The Field
Dating might be a ‘game’, but allowing someone to play with your feelings is not on. Unless you have an agreement with the other person that your relationship isn’t exclusive, benching is unacceptable because it benefits only one person. You can take control in small ways, though.
Perspective
You know the signs. If you don’t feel valued and there’s a sense of rejection, then they aren’t making you a priority. Just because they ‘liked’ a year-old Insta post after a period of dead silence, doesn’t mean they care. It’s merely a way to keep the channels of communication open without having to commit. Get real about the situation with yourself and remember, you won’t ever have to question the intention of someone who’s genuinely interested in you.
Be Upfront
Ask them straight what’s going on, and whether they want to continue hanging out or not. Benchers don’t anticipate being confronted about their behaviour, so if you initiate the conversation, you regain control. If their answers are non-committal, you’ll know exactly what’s up. But you get to decide.
Set Boundaries
Having clear expectations and standards is a sign of self-respect, and it signals to others what you’re willing to put up with. By making this clear, you’re subtly telling everyone around you, including your boo, how they should treat you. So if you agree to that last-minute invitation or reply to that half-hearted text, you’re showing that it’s okay to be treated as an extra option. Refuse to play the game, and step back to evaluate your boundaries. Stop responding, and turn down those flaky meet-ups. It’s okay to prioritise yourself.
Get Back In The Game
We all enjoy attention. And in dating, even more so because romantic attention is validating, but this is also how benchers, manage to manipulate – by playing into your need to be liked. This need shouldn’t come at the expense of fair treatment. You deserve to be liked and treated with respect. If you find yourself on the receiving end of benching, define your expectations, move on and find the right person who’s deserving of your attention.
Photography: Pexels
