The end of what you might’ve believed was a lifetime bond can be traumatic and stressful. How do you deal with the emotions and move forward?
Four in 10 marriages in South Africa end in divorce before their 10th anniversary, according to Statistics SA. Figures released in 2023 show that these numbers are on the rise, infidelity being the leading cause, reports Divorcelaws.co.za. “The betrayal of trust is often so severe that it leaves the marital relationship beyond repair, leading to its dissolution. Abuse, be it physical, emotional or psychological, is an unequivocal deal-breaker in any relationship.” However broken you may feel, it is possible to reboot, pick yourself up and move forward.
1. Allow yourself to grieve
Divorce hurts, no matter the part you played in it. Emotions of anger, guilt, failure and sorrow over the loss of a relationship, and the hopes and dreams it offered, can be overwhelming, says Joburg counselling psychologist Karin Steyn. Acknowledge your emotions and find non-destructive ways to channel them, from journalling or jogging to playing loud music or video games. The road to acceptance may seem steep and long, but you can get there. “It’s also important to reflect on what worked and what didn’t, and get clarity on how this information helps shape your awareness of your needs, wants, likes and dislikes,” she says. “If we don’t process and learn from our past relationships, we may be destined to repeat them.”
2. Take care of yourself
Divorce is the second-most stressful life event after death of a spouse, according to the Holmes-Rahe stress scale (a measure of stress levels based on recent to moderately recent experiences). However, the build-up of this stress can seep into your other relationships. This is why self-care is vital to improve your energy, mental clarity and calmness. It can also help you to not dump your emotions onto those around you. Eat regularly and healthily, stay hydrated, get a good amount of sleep and keep fit to boost your feel-good endorphins. “If you struggle, progressive muscle relaxation and mindful breathing can help,” says Durban clinical psychologist Marlene Wells. For extra support, reach out to someone you trust – they might be able to help you find divorce support groups, too.
3. Take care of the children
Draw up a co-parenting plan that covers common conflict points, such as where children will live, when and how long they will visit the other parent, routines for bedtime, homework, school, activities, screen time, discipline and chores. This gives children the security of knowing that, although you may no longer live together, you are still on the same page, Karin says. Agree not to bad-mouth or blame each other in front of the children or use them as messengers or spies. Ongoing parental conflict raises children’s risk of psychological and social problems, according to a 2021 report, Applied Research in Quality of Life. “Remind children that they can love both parents and should aim to have a relationship with both,” Karin advises. “It’s important for them to know they’re not the cause of the divorce and did not ‘fail’ at keeping their family together. Children need to feel that they’re loved and taken care of, and that both parents will be okay.”
4. Communicate clearly and calmly
Emotions can flare up when you’re dealing with your ex – in person or over the phone. Sometimes we act before we think, resulting in hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Use WhatsApp or email, so that you can reread and edit your words, keeping things civil and to the point. This is also helpful for retaining a record, if need be. A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that divorced parents who fail to develop a high-quality co-parenting relationship “tend to engage in continued litigation that induces negative parent-parent interactions and endangers positive parent-child relationships”. If you’re co-parenting with an abusive or toxic ex, get legal and mental-health support.
5. Look ahead
Embrace and explore the aspects of yourself and interests you may have lost while with your ex. Connect with others by joining a group that is focused on your hobbies or interests, or even try out something new! Life hasn’t ended – just one chapter of it. You are free to write a new one, on our own terms. Have fun!
Words by: Glynis Horning
Photography: Gallo/Getty Images
