Relationships require constant effort to work. No matter how long you’ve known each other, there are still ways to better
your bond, friendship and intimacy…

Nobody said that being in a relationship was easy (except one or all of the romcoms). It’s an ongoing effort to understand, accept and improve the ability to bring the best out of each other. Sometimes it’s blissful, other times it’s like going to war – there will always be ups and downs in any relationship. We spoke to Leah Sefor, life and relationship expert, and author of the new relationship advice book That’s Not What I Meant! about 10 ways to improve our relationships.

1. Improve your communication skills
No surprises here that the first word of advice is to improve communication. Communication is essential, but it means more than just ‘How was your day?’ and making small talk. It’s about digging deeper and finding ways to fulfil each other’s needs – learn to listen, not only how to talk. To quote Leah’s new book That’s Not What I Meant!: ‘Communication is not a competition, it’s not a race. It’s not about a winner and a loser. It’s about relating and creating connection’. Her book helps find workable ways of listening, speaking with clarity, handling conflict and having more honest conversations.

2. Have more one-on-one time
When was the last time you and your partner had absolute alone time away from everything and everyone? Not watching TV, reading on your phones in bed, seeing to children or doing other tasks while being or living ‘together’. Have intimacy and intimate moments every week where just the two of you are focused on being with each other away from tech, kids, and other tasks, Leah advises.

3. Listen and speak openly
‘Learn to listen and speak your truth openly in a weekly check-in with each other by asking: “What isn’t working? What is working? What will we do differently in the week ahead?’’’ says Leah. Listening is the key to effective communication – it helps us avoid misunderstandings when speaking to each other, and allows our responses to be more meaningful and thought-out. This allows you to both come up with constructive solutions and listen intently.

4. Envision your future together
Every relationship has goals and a future in it, no matter what it may be. Whether it’s building a home, having kids, travelling together, having a mutual goal is an assurance that you both are on the same page and can plan how to attain it. Leah says: ‘Create a future vision for your relationship together – make a plan for what you both want to create in your own lives and careers as well as what experiences you want to create together. This gets you both aligned and into a supportive and proactive space with each other’.

5. Pay attention to your health
One thing that we sometimes forget to consider is our health – physical, mental and emotional. Taking care of yourself means you can have confidence in who you are when in a relationship, and won’t rely on your partner too heavily to help ‘fix’ you. ‘Pay attention to your own emotional and physical health so that you can bring the best version of yourself to your relationship and your partner. Take responsibility for your own happiness and fulfilment so you’re not expecting your partner to do that for you’, says Leah.

6. Your separate pleasures
There’s no better time to reflect and be yourself than alone time. ‘Have separate hobbies and time with friends. Separate development creates a healthy space for individual growth within the relationship’, says Leah. Not only does time alone help you recharge and enjoy hobbies on your own, it also helps you to see and understand your partner in a new or different way.  

7. Stick to your agreements
Keeping to our agreements with our partners, or anyone, is part of integrity. ‘Keep your agreements with each other always, this will keep the foundation of trust strong and bring a lot of safety and consistency to a long-term relationship’ says Leah. If your partner sees that you make an effort to stick to your agreements, they’ll find you more trustworthy and reliable. 

8. Lay out your expectations
We’ve all had experiences in a relationship where we just don’t know where we stand with the other person! Leah advises to be as transparent as possible, ‘Talk about your expectations of each other, don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader! If you want something, ask. If they’ve done something wrong, tell them. If you’re worried about things, talk it out. Your partner is your teammate, not your competition’.

9. Keep your boundaries
Leah advises to: ‘Have clear boundaries with each other and be open about your non-negotiables’. These non-negotiables will vary from relationship to relationship, but they are clear boundaries set in place to help you and your partner understand one another. If you are having supper together, don’t allow phones at the table, or devise plans for sharing tasks so one person isn’t doing more than the other.

10. How can you show up?
The closing piece of advice is simple: Be there for each other. It doesn’t have to be the romcom-esque grand gesture, standing in the pouring rain while confessing how you have always been in love. ‘Ask yourself how you can show up for your partner every day instead of always looking to them to do things for you’. As the saying goes, it’s the little things that matter the most. Make the effort to always learn new things, and try new experiences with your partner – a little effort goes a long way.

Words by Saadiqah Schroeder 
Photography: Pexels