Income and wealth differences in your friendships are real, but don’t let money get in the way of a good thing.
The Dyans, the gents, the bros — they do friendship differently. There’s Brad, John, Thabo and Siya; Jason makes special appearances. When they get together, it’s always a good time. The fire is hot, the meat is cooked just right, and the beers are ice-cold. Conversations flow — cars and engines, hobbies, annoying sisters, children, partners — and nothing is off the table. Well unless someone mentions money…
Then the conversation lags. Jason makes a quick joke and suddenly the group is talking about something else instead.
This is normal, especially when there are income disparities. One’s a doctor, another an engineer. a third has been job-hopping for years in hopes of finding the right fit, and another is an up-and-coming entrepreneur. One became a personal trainer when they found their passion late in life.
Some have kids; one is the sole breadwinner for his family.
It’s a lot, and no one wants to talk about just how stretched (or full the wallet is. While money can’t buy you friends, it can lose you some.
To help you navigate the sometimes-turbulent financial waters in your friendships, various men gave us their insights.
Brad
A rare breed
“Most guys keep financial stuff private, either out of pride, fear of judgement or simply because it’s not part of the usual banter. We might joke about being broke, but deeper conversations about income, financial struggles and debt are rare.”
Polls taken in the last few years arrive at the same conclusion: talking about money is uncomfortable. This includes a recent study by the UK Money & Pensions Service, which found that 55% of British adults don’t want to talk about their financial situation.
According to psychologist Dr Heather Sequeira, writing in Psychology Today. “There are those who have money and those who do not, and which category a person falls into is given away by the size of their house or their watch, or the make of their car and the sort of holidays they upload on Instagram.”
She says many choose to “internalise their financial situation as a reflection” of their own worth, or of the value of others.
John
The strong, silent type
“In some cases, we are aware that some friends in the group don’t earn the same. But we don’t always act on it. Sometimes the expectation is just to split the bill without much consideration of what each person consumed. So ‘Jason’ ends up paying way more than he should, just to avoid awkwardness or looking cheap.”
The Guardian published a story about a recent study conducted by Credit Karma, a personal finance company, which found that 88% of Millennials have taken on debt after having spent time with a wealthier friend.
The same study also found that young adults are increasingly ending relationships with people whose finances do not align with their own, and prioritising making friends with people who have similar incomes, to avoid overspending.
The cost of living is high, and with the new budget approved by Parliament in South Africa, it’s going to get even worse. And the rest of the world is feeling the same pinch, especially as the US tariffs war rages on.
Thabo
A champion against injustice
“If the group is close, someone might say something like, ‘Hey, bro. You only had two beers, don’t worry about the full bill: It’s best done casually, so ‘Jason’ doesn’t feel singled out or embarrassed in front of the group.”
In Psychology Today, Val Walker writes that a wealth gap between friends can create tension, conflict, presumptions, resentment or shame, causing rifts that tear apart well-meaning and loving relationships.
“A decades-long friendship could be lost over a bitter misunderstanding triggered by financial disparity:’ she adds. It can also create a power dynamic that is hard for a friendship to come back from.
Val suggests that before talking about money and the differences in wealth, check your internal biases first — especially about people with more or less money than you.
“Get to the root of your attitude about friends who are financially better off than you. What about them specifically triggers you to feel resentful, envious, hopeless, ashamed, guilty or stuck? Your strong emotions might reveal underlying issues that are clouding the money problem in your friendship”.
When the financial issues start affecting the friendship, it’s time to speak out.
Siya
The ‘everything is good’ friend
“There’s often an unspoken pressure to keep up, especially in social settings where everyone’s buying rounds or doing something expensive. It’s a pride thing, and sometimes guys would rather stretch their wallets than admit they are tight on cash.”
Whether it’s a game of credit-card roulette or an overseas trip, if it is out of your price range, stand your ground.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. The World Economic Forum believes friendships that cut across class lines are a key indicator of economic mobility and can help alleviate inequality, according to new research in the US.
Researchers found that friendships between wealthy and less well-off people are a more important metric of determining upward economic mobility than other forms of social capital, like having wealthy parents or attending high-quality schools.
In simple words, don’t let go of your wealthy friends just yet.
There is much to be gained from your friendships. “People obtain job opportunities, information and behavioural norms from their networks,” says Matthew Jackson, a lead author of the report and professor of economics at Stanford University.
Bond within budget
Try the following affordable activities:
- Attend a free lecture or author talk.
- Invite friends over for coffee or wine and cheese.
- Have potluck meals together.
- Chill with Netflix or watch sports.
- Play with your pet(s) or go for walks.
- Host regular book or film clubs or game nights.
Keep it cheap, just in case
While it’s easier said than done, being open about money might just be the key to saving your friendships.
And when you go out, be very clear about where you stand. While we don’t have Venmo in South Africa, make Splitwise your best friend. This app helps friends and roommates keep track of shared expenses. And it’s free.
Also, instead of hitting the bar or that expensive restaurant, think bigger (bonding-wise) and smaller (money-wise).
Words by: Thulani Gqirana
Photography by: Gallo/Getty Images
Text courtesy of Man magazine
