Learn to change ‘confrontation’ in ‘communication’
AIl couples argue… that’s a fact. Arguments in relationships get a bad rap – some view them as something to be completely avoided; others see them as destructive to a relationship. But, when approached carefully, arguments have the potential to strengthen a relationship by creating a deeper understanding of your partner.
Rather than causing harm or resentment, see healthy arguments as a way to clarify misunderstandings and resolve conflict. The secret lies in the art of arguing well’ – moving disagreements away from a place of criticism into a constructive conversation that could improve your connection with your partner.
Don’t fight each other
There is a difference between an argument and a fight. A fight typically ensues when someone deliberately tries to hurt the other person, while an argument may be a heated conversation, disagreement or even a debate. Arguments tend to be healthier than fights, and they only escalate to a fight when a partner takes personal digs, becomes spiteful or behaves unreasonably.
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“Instead of attacking the other person’s character, happy couples colour inside the lines and express their own feelings,” says psychotherapist Vikki Stark, director of the Sedona Counselling Centre in Montreal, Canada. Remember that you are not in a relationship with yourself. It’s inevitable that there will be different perspectives, values and beliefs, but the challenge is to communicate in a way that still respects your partner’s perspective while steering clear of defensiveness and criticism.
How to argue well
Dr Anthony E. Wolf, a clinical psychologist based in Massachusetts in the US, points out that a major threat to relationships is the consuming need to be ‘right’ all the time, especially during disagreements. In his book Why Can’t You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships – How Not To, he refers to this as the ‘baby self” – a need to cling to our viewpoint, even when it causes conflict.
The solution, he says, is letting go when an argument becomes unproductive and accepting that the ‘goal’ is not to win but rather to come to a mutual consensus.
Dr Laura Richter, a marriage and family therapist in Florida, US, states that arguments are natural and, to an extent, a healthy expression of passion, but she notes that they can be damaging if not carried out carefully. When arguments spiral into screaming matches, they shift from being productive arguments into harmful contests.
Healthy arguments centre around the idea that a disagreement should be handled as a discussion, as opposed to a battle. The purpose is not to ‘win’ but rather to be seen, heard and loved. “Arguing is not a competition,” says Dr Richter. “We’re all unique individuals with different ways of seeing things.” Partners do not have to find common ground on every subject, but they must respect each other’s lived reality.
When arguments revolve around understanding your partner better instead of transferring blame, the relationship can come out stronger. Psychology Today lists four ways to have successful communication in moments of conflict:
– Focus on the issue. Keep the discussion focused on the problem at hand. Bringing up irrelevant past gripes can unsettle the conversation and cause resentment. Arguments must address the present matter instead of rehashing unresolved matters.
– Use ‘I’ statements. Rather than placing blame on your partner, express your feelings as your own experiences. For instance, say, I feel upset when.” instead of, “You always upset me.” This method has been found to lessen defensiveness and create a more productive conversation.
– Actively listen. Attempt to sincerely hear what your partner has to say without immediately constructing a counterargument in your head. Active listening includes recognising your partner’s feelings and perspective. Phrases like “I hear you” or “I understand”, as simple as they may be, could be life-changing, moving the argument away from confrontation to conversation.
– Regulate your emotions. Stay calm and do not let your anger frame the entire conversation. According to Dr Wolf, projecting anger can push your partner further away or make them fight back, with neither resolving the issue. Concentrate instead on sharing your feelings steadily and take responsibility for your own emotions.
Resolving conflicts with healthy arguing can help to avoid long-term resentment and even improve your own self-awareness. When you and your partner work through conflict productively, you deepen your understanding of each other and yourself.
A study by San Francisco-based clinical psychologist Dr Andrea Zorbas discovered that couples who argued effectively were happier in their relationships. They were able to pinpoint the persistent issues in their arguments and could address the conflict at hand as well as the underlying matters that drove their emotions.
Ultimately, not every matter can be completely resolved, and that is normal. The most important thing is to address conflict with a clear mind, ready to learn and adapt. Healthy arguments are about expressing yourself, listening actively and finding common ground. Arguments should not be thought of as a way to change your partner, but rather to grow with them. When partners understand this, they can steer through disagreements in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than weakening it.
Five tips for healthy arguing
1. Listen actively and try to see things from your partner’s perspective.
2. Avoid bringing up unrelated past issues.
3. Take a break if things get too heated.
4. Try to understand the real reason you’re angry.
5. Always aim for resolution and mutual understanding, not winning.
Words by Leah Dennis
Illustration: Gallo/Getty Images
