Let’s unpack ‘situationships’ — the modern dating term that many of us tend to have a love-hate relationship with.
The beginning stage of a relationship is often filled with excitement, all in anticipation of potential as well as the endless possibilities to come. It’s filled with hours of talking and texting, navigating the big firsts, from the first kiss to the first time you shyly hold hands in public, and all the general things around figuring each other out. But when uncertainty begins to overstay its welcome and the question of “what are we?” is always met with a shrug, you might have found yourself in a bit of a situationship.
This grey area in relationships is nothing new, but it has earned itself a new name —the situationship — and has become a common stop on the modern dating map. It often looks like a relationship, and feels like a relationship, but that final move to define it is always being side-stepped. Situationships can be steeped in confusion and heartbreak, but are they always a bad thing? We talk to relationship experts and unpack the many facets of this dynamic.
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The good
More often than not, the word ‘situationship’ doesn’t come with many positive connotations. “A situationship is not sustainable,” says intimacy and relationship coach, Tracy Ziman Jacobs. But it can have a time and place.” You may be young and wanting to find connection, but not quite ready to settle into something too serious just yet. It can be good to remain open to opportunities and experiences when you’re still figuring yourself out in your early 20s. Nowadays, Tracy explains, there is less pressure to get married, so younger people are not so quick to jump into serious relationships. They might have learnt from the older generation, where divorce rates are so high that a long-term commitment is not something to rush into.”
If you’re both on the same page, the situationship can be fun and a way to explore love, sex and relationships while still allowing yourself the space to define yourself. However, when the desire to keep things open is one-sided and communication is scarce, this is when things can start to go south.
The bad
After spending so much time together in a way that feels so intimate, it is inevitable that feelings are going to get involved and at least one person will want things to move forward. But if you’re wanting commitment, you won’t find it from a person committed to the grey area, no matter how hard you try. “A situationship is a very fuzzily defined thing and that’s part of its function,” explains medical doctor and cognitive strategist, Dr David Backwell. “The mild amounts of care, sex or attention it gives you – that is the thing that it does. And people have to disconnect from what they’re hoping it will be to the functions that it will provide.”
Communication is always important in muddy waters, but that is something that you may not feel able to ask for in a situationship – and so conversation becomes indirect and unclear. “The conversation of, ‘what are we?’ is never a conversation of definition,” says Dr Backwell. “You know what you are, at least on some level. The reason to ask is to say, ‘I want to change this functionality and its direction’. It’s a sort of sleight of hand conversation.”
@billiondbabie Situationships are a WASTE of time! @Sabrina Zohar #situationship #dating #boundaries ♬ original sound – Billion Dollar Babie
The ugly
“My gut instinct is to say it is toxic,” says Tracy, “because why you’re hanging on has a lot to do with self-esteem.” It could be that one person is looking for the ego boost that often comes with a relationship but doesn’t feel able to take on the expectations that come with commitment, and the other may be sticking out the complexities because they don’t think they can find something better.
For the person who is always pressing pause on moving things forward, they are getting attention while avoiding accountability and are often more likely to be ignoring the feelings of the other person in the process. The one who is stuck in the grey area is compromising their needs and sense of self-worth in pursuit of something that is bound to end badly. At its worst, this relationship dynamic can play with a person’s emotions, thus spinning a toxic cycle of confusion, hurt and ultimately – heartbreak.
A situationship is a tricky landscape to navigate, so there is no one way to approach it. There’s potential for something thrilling that is filled with various possibilities. Even so, make sure to always check in with the other person involved, your friends and, most importantly, yourself.
Things to try
1. Set boundaries: Define what you want out of the relationship and communicate your needs assertively to ensure they are being met. That way, the grey area becomes clearer to both of you.
2. Be honest: Nothing sets us up for failure more than not being honest with ourselves or our partners. Even if the conversation is difficult, speak your truth to avoid escalating problems later on.
3. Focus on yourself: We all tend to lose who we are as we devote a lot of time and energy into a situationship. You and your well-being should be your top priority, with the other person coming in second.
4. Live in the moment: Try not to overthink the situation you’re in and just enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes it is about the journey and not the destination, so try and focus on being present, taking in the time spent rather than focusing on what may or may not be.
By: Natalie Fraser
Photography by: Pexels
Also read: 3 Self-love habits you can start today
